Change. It's a strange thing. It kind of sneaks up on you from behind and scares the bejezes out of you. Today I realized how much time had passed. It happened in a strange place - the bathroom.

In our family bathroom we have always had two rolls of toilet paper readily available. One is on the toilet paper dispenser in the wall and the other sits on the counter next to the toilet. The one that sits on the counter hasn't actually been there forever. My Mom started leaving it there when they were toilet training Krysta. Well here it is years later and Krysta is now 18 and we still leave that extra roll of toilet paper in easy reach of a non-existent 2 year old.

What an obsolete habit.

Obsolete. Another funny word. Describes a lot of things like beta tapes, vinyl records or computer punch cards. ( I still remember those being used in the original apple computers...how old am I eh?) Obsolete...things that are no longer useful. However, many things that are no longer useful sometimes become more valuable because they are rare.

I feel obsolete most of the time. Everything I feel is valuable is old and considered by most people to be useless or worthless. I think my life is pretty obsolete. Maybe at one time at some juncture I had value but I think that outgrown my value.

Time has passed and the world around me has changed but I have not. I am obsolete and useless and I'm not even valuable anymore. I know time has passed because I am now 27 and I have contributed nothing of value to anything or anyone. I'm not saying I had aspired to be Mother Theresa (which I could never be...I wouldn't even deserve to stand next to her) but I don't see one reason for my existence.

I'm in a dead-end job that I will never be able to do better in and I will never be able to find a job that treats me better. Everytime I try to get myself in a better position it never amounts to anything, just dead ends. I'm so tired of not being even given an interview. I'm tired of not being given the time of day by everyone. I'm tired of being brushed off and stepped on and pushed down.

I'm just tired. Pretty sad for a 27 year old eh? I'm just defeated I guess.

I remember when I was young my Mother used to always say "Life isn't fair". I'm sure everyone heard that but until I was 19 I never understood that statement. Knowing the truth of this now I don't know how I'm supposed just go merrily on my way. Why do I want to?

When I was 19 I thought I had the monopoly on pain. If only I had known then how much worse it gets.

At this moment I see nothing to be excited about.


Peace is the ability to wait patiently in spite of panic
brought on by uncertainty. ~Unknown

Well I can't remain calm anymore.